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Aliens Arrive On Earth And Insist We Convert To Their Religion
An advanced extraterrestrial race arrived at the White House last night proclaiming they’ve come thousands of light years to free us from the chains of our false religions by enlightening us to the...
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Ask The Pontificator: Advice From A Self-Awarded Nobel Prize Winner
Dear ACP: My name is Billy Virginstein. I’m 17 years old and madly in love with the girl who lives next door to me, Abigale Roundbottom. She’s 17, too. I’m trying to figure out a cool way to ask her...
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Trust
What is it about You That I should Trust? Is it your wit? Your intelligence? Your skills in research? Or is it that You believe You are Infallible When it comes to all things You? I do not Trust You...
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Interview With UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in
UFO Expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in Fibberland, Massachusetts. UFO expert, Dr. Lenny B. Ly’in of MIT’s radical genius department, stopped by the ACP offices today whilst I was scratching my butt and asked...
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Former Pope, Benedict, Converts To Islam To Wed 12 Year Old Girl
Former Pope, Benedict, As he Looks Today Unbelievableville, New Jersey. News out of the Middle East today is that former Pope, Benedict, has converted to Islam in order to wed a 12-year-old girl he...
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Evidence The Christian God Is Real
So, Like, I Kept, Like, Thinking Really, Really Hard About It, And Then, Like, Outta Nowhere, I Realized That, Like, God Was Not Only Real, He Was The Christian God And All The Other Gods People...
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The Pilot
I am a man of Faith A man of God My head is held High When I walk When I speak And when I pray God Is with me Always I feel His Love All around me I see His Wondrous works I hear His Lovely Voice He...
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There Can Be No Now
There can be no Now Unless I’m Certain of Tomorrow There can be no Peace Unless I’m certain It is Righteous I can feel no Joy In simply Being. Being Is not, nor can it ever be, Enough It is that which...
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I Decided…
1.) I decided to swim down to the Titanic to see what it looks like up close but gave up because the water was too cold. 2.) I decided to give up my job as head of the CIA because I never held the...
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Invisible Guys
Without Invisible Guys I could not do Good Without a timeless, endless, shapeless, realm where Invisible guys Live I’d have nowhere to go after I Die I’m not a murderer because of Invisible guys I’m...
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A Prayer To The American God
Dear God, my love for thee is greater than all the oceans of the Earth combined and wider than the circumference of the known universe. To you, my Lord, I devote all that is my being. The honor I...
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10 Things That Are True Because We Can’t Prove They’re Not
1.) We aren’t absolutely certain how the Egyptian pyramids were built, therefore they MUST have been built by aliens from space. 2.) If a door suddenly slams shut in the middle of the night in your...
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